My Worst Nightmare

This was in yesterday's Deseret News:

"Kimberly Warner was chatting on the phone and washing the red grapes she had just purchased from the Orem Costco on Monday afternoon when she spotted it: a big, black spider. 'I thought it was just a big, monster grape spider,' the Provo homemaker and mother of three said. Then Warner saw the hourglass shape on the spider's back." (http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,705312635,00.html.)

I bought red grapes at Costco last week. And I have arachnophobia. Just looking at pictures of spiders is enough to stop my heart from beating for a second. I sometimes hang a plastic spider on a web in my office during Halloween, and it looks so real that it scares ME every time I look at it even though I'm the one that put it up! Now I'll probably be checking my grapes every 5 minutes to make sure I have no black widows. No one said phobias aren't irrational.

A Father's Day Tribute

Happy Father’s Day to Dad, Grandpas Rasmussen and Thomas, Dave, John, Matt, Bryce, and Curtis.

At the request of Parade Magazine, President Obama wrote his reflections on what fatherhood means to him. It is a beautiful essay that in many respects is reminiscent of the counsel we receive from our church leaders in General Conference. You can read the whole text at http://www.parade.com/export/sites/default/news/2009/06/barack-obama-we-need-fathers-to-step-up.html. Here are a few excerpts from his remarks that were particularly thoughtful:

“We [fathers] need to realize that we are our children’s first and best teachers. When we are selfish or inconsiderate, when we mistreat our wives or girlfriends, when we cut corners or fail to control our tempers, our children learn from that—and it’s no surprise when we see those behaviors in our schools or on our streets.

“But it also works the other way around. When we work hard, treat others with respect, spend within our means, and contribute to our communities, those are the lessons our children learn. And that is what so many fathers are doing every day—coaching soccer and Little League, going to those school assemblies and parent-teacher conferences, scrimping and saving and working that extra shift so their kids can go to college. They are fulfilling their most fundamental duty as fathers: to show their children, by example, the kind of people they want them to become.

“It is rarely easy. There are plenty of days of struggle and heartache when, despite our best efforts, we fail to live up to our responsibilities. I know I have been an imperfect father. I know I have made mistakes. I have lost count of all the times, over the years, when the demands of work have taken me from the duties of fatherhood. There were many days out on the campaign trail when I felt like my family was a million miles away, and I knew I was missing moments of my daughters’ lives that I’d never get back. It is a loss I will never fully accept. . . .

“On this Father’s Day, I am recommitting myself to that work, to those duties that all parents share: to build a foundation for our children’s dreams, to give them the love and support they need to fulfill them, and to stick with them the whole way through, no matter what doubts we may feel or difficulties we may face. That is my prayer for all of us on this Father’s Day, and that is my hope for this nation in the months and years ahead.”

I am so grateful for my dad who has always exemplified this commitment toward his duties as a father. Dad has always been a great example to me of someone who works hard, exercises great patience, and readily expresses his unconditional love to our family. I love you, Dad!

On Death

Yesterday morning my co-worker came to my office to say hi. As is customary, I asked him how his weekend was and he kind of drew a long face and said it was good and bad. He had a good time canyoneering with some scouts from another ward, led by none other than our cousin Joel Mills. After returning home, he received a call from his dad Saturday evening informing him that his grandpa (his dad’s dad) was not doing so well. At this point, I’m thinking, oh his grandpa is in the hospital now and that’s why he’s so glum. But then he concluded by saying that on Sunday, at age 94 and surrounded by his family, his grandpa died. I’ve actually met my co-worker’s grandpa before and heard so many stories about him. One of the things his grandpa did as a matter of tradition at family reunions was to offer his unintentionally melodramatic rendition of The Holy City in its entirety. (That's the really long song that goes "Jerusalem, Jerusalem....Hosanna in the highest!!") A few months ago my co-worker played me an excerpt of a recording they made and it was so great. My co-worker had a close relationship with his grandpa, including being in the same ward and same high priest group with him. So, he’s sharing this with me and I’m doing my best to fight back the tears, but I finally yielded and let the tears flow. I apologized to him, not really knowing exactly why I was crying, but in retrospect, it is clear that I was thinking about my own grandparents and relating his relationship with his grandpa to my relationship with my grandparents. Growing up in the same neighborhood as my grandparents has provided them an opportunity to actively participate in so much of my life. Losing them will feel like losing my parents.

I remember when President Hinckley died, I cried for several days for 3 reasons: First, he was my friend’s grandpa. Second, I knew that if Pres. Hinckley had to die, then so do the rest of us. And third, I thought, now Grandpa is going to die. (As an aside, I mentioned to my co-worker my fear of Grandpa dying, and he told me that he had the exact same thought about his grandpa, who was 92 at the time.) It was the first time that our grandparents’ mortality really hit home for me, and now it has happened again this week. But President Hinckley did leave us some words of comfort in his poem called What is This Thing That Men Call Death.

What is this thing that men call death?
This quiet passing in the night?
‘Tis not the end but genesis
Of better worlds and greater light
O God, touch Thou my aching heart
And calm my troubled, haunting fears
Let hope and faith, transcendent, pure
Give strength and peace beyond my tears.
There is no death, but only change
With recompense for vict’ry won
The gift of Him who loved all men
The Son of God, the Holy One.

My co-worker’s grandpa’s death was about as ideal as a death can be, I guess. He was not suffering from any diseases or other painful afflictions. He was just old. He lived a good full life and, most importantly, was surrounded by family as he peacefully passed away. Nonetheless, no matter what your beliefs and perspectives are about life after death, death is still hard for those left behind. I have no doubt that for those who die, it feels like no time has passed before we join them, but for us mortals, it can be anywhere from a day to 100 years before we see our loved ones again. That is such a raw deal and it hurts to think about it.

A few years ago I had an opportunity to talk to Grandpa Rasmussen about our philosophies of death. Sort of a weird topic to be discussing with him, but he was writing a talk for my friend’s grandma’s funeral, so it was a natural discussion to have. He told me that before my friend’s grandma died, she started having a lot of serious questions about life after death and whether she really believed everything she was taught. He was called to give her a blessing to release her from this life. Before doing so, in response to her growing fears about dying, Grandpa shared with her these beautiful and unforgettable words: “I think death is a sweet experience of exploration and new discovery.”

This is not the end of this discussion for me, but for now I go on with life, completely unprepared to deal with the deaths of my loved ones, certain that it will hurt more than I can even imagine now, but also taking great comfort in Pres. Hinckley's and Grandpa’s words and holding them close to me as those times quickly approach.

A Fortnight of Politics

Well, Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney are at it again. Let's begin with my favorite subject -- Dick Cheney, who as VICE PRESIDENT hid himself for 8 years and now that he's no longer in a leadership position feels it necessary to be anywhere and everywhere. A couple of weeks ago, Cheney showed up at the National Press Club to answer questions. You can read more about this at http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/06/01/cheney.speech/. But let me share a few highlights. First, he said he does not believe Saddam Hussein was involved in the planning or execution of the September 11, 2001, attacks. And I quote, "I do not believe and have never seen any evidence to confirm that [Hussein] was involved in 9/11. We had that reporting for a while, [but] eventually it turned out not to be true." He does allude to a relationship that goes back a decade between al-qaeda and Iraq, but not Hussein himself. After insisting that the White House did everything it could to keep America safe up to the 9/11 attacks, he was asked about Richard Clarke's role in all this (Clarke was the head of the counter-terrorism program leading up to 9/11). Cheney's response was that "he obviously missed it." Cheney blamed Clarke for 9/11! The same Clarke who wrote a handful of memos during the preceding year warning that this could happen, which memos were dismissed by the administration. When asked about Clarke's efforts to alert the administration through the memos, Cheney responded, "That is not my recollection. But I haven't read his book." To which the audience laughed. Yeah, that's pretty funny. If you want to see a video on this and some good commentary, go to the Daily Show with Jon Stewart website.

Now on to Sarah Palin. She was interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today show on Friday, June 12, 2009. (You can see videos of this on youtube and NBC.) You can also read about this at http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/31275358/ns/today_people/. I'm pretty sure Matt and Katie are giving each other high fives for scoring some of the most bizarre interviews ever with someone who could have been the Vice President. Sarah Palin was in New York this past week, and among other things attended a Yankees game with Rudy Giuliani. During his monologue that evening, David Letterman made a joke (in poor taste, which he has completely admitted) that there was an awkward moment during the 7th inning when there was an "incident" between her daughter and Alex Rodriguez. (Sorry to be vague, but I'm trying to keep this post appropriate for all ages.) Letterman was referring to Bristol, her 18 year old daughter who gave birth recently, but it turned out that it was actually her daughter Willow, age 14, who accompanied her to New York. In his apology, Letterman explained that he meant Bristol and would never have made such a joke about a 14 year old. In her interview with Matt Lauer Palin insisted that Letterman just made up that excuse on the fly because he had to, that he intentionally made that joke with her 14 yr old daughter in mind, and now she feels the need to protect her daughter from Letterman. Matt Lauer kept trying to calm her down and suggest to her that Letterman was sincerely sorry, but she refused to believe it and is now on the warpath with Letterman, even to the point of suggesting that CBS fire him. Yeah, definitely not a great or even funny joke, but a bit of an over-reaction? Matt Lauer clearly thinks so, as do I, but there you go. Moving on, Matt Lauer then asked her whether she thought she might have an opportunity to have a leadership position in the GOP. Her answer? "Absolutely not necessarily." Brilliant. I think we can expect to see Tina Fey returning to SNL in the very near future.

Finally, some good news. On June 4, 2009, President Obama delivered an amazing speech from Cairo. If you haven't read it or seen it, go to http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8082862.stm. Really, whether you totally agree with everything he said or not, it was very thoughtful and well-said. I felt proud of our President. A recent letter to the editor in the SL Tribune expressed many of the same things I felt about the speech. Here are a couple of excerpts from that letter: "Obama's speech resonated with people of all faiths and non-faiths. His Muslim/Christian roots can be used to great effect to bridge and heal the dangerous rifts that threaten our world with destruction. He is living proof that anyone can rise above the debilitation of religious zealotry to reach one's full potential as a natural human being. . . . I applaud Obama's secularism, because that is ultimately the key to our success: to have faith in ourselves and to show respect for others." Yesterday morning I was pleasantly surprised to see a very thoughtful Deseret News editorial that likewise applauded the speech and expressed the same sentiments I felt. It's a bit longer, so I won't include the text here, but you can read it at http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705310004/Editorial-Obama-pushes-forward.html. Even Fox News had a hard time criticizing the speech. For every 1 negative critique, there were 3 positive critiques. President Obama is such an over-due breath of fresh air.

Demon Cat

After turning off the living room lights on my way to bed last night, I glanced out my front window and saw a dark shadow, which turned out to be a charcoal cat lurking about my front porch and in my bushes outside the front window. I walked away but I wanted to look at it again. The second time I looked out the window the cat was staring straight up at me, perfectly still. I stared back, shuddered and quickly walked away feeling very shaky and creeped out. (This is sounding like a John Bellairs story.) For the next few minutes I repeated to myself, "It's just a cat. It's just a cat." Clearly I was way past my bedtime.

In the Strength of the Lord

Last Sunday (June 7, 2009) we had a really amazing Relief Society lesson that was centered around Elder Bednar's talk on the enabling power of the Atonement. We first discussed what makes up the journey of life. Our list included such things as challenges, health, service, baptism, growth, sharing the gospel, learning, experience, love, joy, endurance, change (bad, better, best). Someone suggested we throw in negative aspects, too, but I declined to include those on my list. I think challenges, changes, endurance, and growth pretty much sum it all up. And in any event, we've been told that "Men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25)

We then discussed what grace is. From the Bible Dictionary we learn that grace is a divine means of help or strength. (BD 697) The Atonement not only provides a way for us to be redeemed from past decisions and actions, but it is also the source of the grace of God to give us strength to carry on into the future and to continually become perfect. As Elder Bednar said, "We become agents to act rather than objects to be acted on."

We finally discussed illustrations and implications of grace. The first scriptural example given was Alma 58:10-11 (discussing the sons of the people of Ammon's struggles against the Lamanites) --

10 Therefore we did pour out our souls in prayer to God, that he would strengthen us and deliver us out of the hands of our enemies, yea, and also give us strength that we might retain our cities, and our lands, and our possessions, for the support of our people.
11 Yea, and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance in him.

The next scripture we read was from 1 Nephi 7:17 (discussing Nephi's ongoing persecution by Laman and Lemuel) --

17 But it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren; yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound.

Our next example was that of the Brother of Jared (see Ether) and the incredible amount of strength it would have taken for him to have faith in and trust the Lord that the he (brother of Jared) could work with the Lord to solve the problem of lighting the boats.

Finally, I suggested the final scripture which, it turns out, was also our instructor's example she was going to share, found in Mosiah 24:14-15 (discussing the persecution of Alma and his people by Amulon) --

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

The greatest lesson for me in all this was the reminder that the Lord wants us to go through the journey of life and experience the good and bad. He knows that we are going to have struggles and burdens, and, no surprise, He's not necessarily going to feel inclined to remove those, BUT, through his grace He strengthens us so that we can bear our burdens with greater ease. That is one of the most beautiful saving graces of God we could ever seek is to be strengthened to bear our burdens.

In January 1998 I left home to fulfill a 4 month internship in Washington, DC. Pretty much the entire family, except me, got the flu that Christmas. But alas, I was not so lucky. The evening I departed on a red-eye for DC I was coming down fast and miserably with the classic symptoms of a cold (which over the next two months manifested itself as a really bad flu and eventually culminated in a violent ear infection). Following my arrival in Baltimore, I had to get all my baggage (3 very full and awkward duffel bags) and catch the commuter train to Union Station. I'd been awake for over 24 hours and sick as a dog, so by the time I got to the train platform I felt almost completely drained of energy. And then I discovered that I was on the wrong side of the tracks. Changing platforms meant going up about 30 stairs, over to the other side and back down again. I nearly cried aloud because I didn't think I had it in me to haul my luggage to the other side. I prayed so hard that I would be able to make the move. I did it, but instead of feeling stronger, I felt weaker and weaker. There were others on the platform watching me and I had nothing but very dark thoughts about how unkind everyone was for not helping me when I was clearly having a really hard time. The train arrived and after a few minutes of hefting my luggage onto the racks, I completely collapsed in my seat in utter exhaustion and went catatonic for the next hour. Upon arrival at Union Station, the doors opened and I saw that unlike the other platforms where the train floor was flush with the platform, here we had to go down 4 steep steps. Tears welled up in my eyes and I fell back into my seat determined to stay on that train forever because I didn't have anything left in me; not even enough to just simply shove 3 bags off the train. Suddenly a man showed up and without so much as asking but rather acknowledging that I could use some help grabbed my luggage, escorted me to the taxi and, even though I learned that he was in a great hurry, he made sure I was on my way before he disappeared. I'm sure I uttered some words of gratitude to him at some point, but I never really thanked him before he ran off to catch his next connection. I realized even then that this man was probably an answer to my prayers to some extent, but in my weakened state, I actually felt angry at the Lord for not helping me get stronger so that I could help myself. I really felt abandoned and that my prayers weren't important enough to answer. Over the next few months, I did finally regain my health, but this experience continued to gnaw at me. Four months later, near my departure time, Mom and Dad paid me a visit and so I sent home quite a bit of luggage with them so that my load would be much lighter for my journey home. On my day of departure, I packed up the last of my belongings and hauled my things down to the taxi. I was genuinely shocked to find that even though I was now carrying half the load I had brought, it was actually much more awkward and difficult for me than it had been the day I arrived. And then I just felt so much sorrow for harboring those angry feelings as I realized that the Lord had indeed strengthened me that day. I just never recognized it.

I've been thinking a lot about my family. We are all facing various degrees of challenges and burdens, and I hope and pray that whatever each of us feels, we'll know that the Lord is strengthening us. We may feel like we're getting weaker and weaker, but as I learned from my experience in DC, even though the Lord may not give us 100% of the strength we desire, He will always give us enough to bear our burdens.

My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Cor. 12:9)

Remembering Tiananmen

Last month I fulfilled a decade-long dream of going to China. In the pre-dawn hours of May 4, 2009, Curtis, Rosey and I went to Tiananmen Square to watch a flag raising on this national holiday commemorating the May 4 Movement (of 1919) when Chinese students gathered at Tiananmen Squire protesting China's perceived lack of proactive response to Japanese political policy. This event marked an intellectual turning point in China leading to a more serious study of communism. I don't subscribe to this ideology and especially how Mao Zedong led his country during his reign, so of course I felt no sense of excitement or pride seeing the flag raising, but given the country's relatively recent past history I was extremely intrigued to see such display of nationalism by Chinese citizens. By contrast, I felt a great sense of sorrow just thinking about the events of April-June 1989 that so closely followed the same protocol of the students in 1919. Except this time the students were promoting greater democracy. That I understood. I've read so much of this place and many personal eyewitness accounts of June 4, 1989. (One especially poignant account is Jan Wong's in her book Red China Blues.) Curtis says that the events of June 4, 1989 never happened as far as the Chinese government is concerned. According to the Red Cross, nearly 3000 students died that day -- by tanks, gun fire, and other means. I cannot believe that so many Chinese nationals, especially young adults and children, have NO idea or clear understanding of the events of that day. I think that's an atrocity. So, as it is, there we were walking around the Square, which in my view is a memorial to the students. But to almost every one else, it is a place to celebrate communism and to revere their beloved chairman mao. And so on this day while others were celebrating, I privately paid my respects to those innocents whose deaths by the government and military have been all but forgotten. It is sacred ground, and I'm grateful I could go there and try to honor the forgotten dead. On June 3, 2009, PRI's The World ran a profound and sobering story about this event. I encourage all to read it at http://www.theworld.org/node/26728.