Winter Is Past

“For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone, the flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come...” Song of Solomon.

Winter is past. At last.

During the first 7 days of winter the boy I’d been dating for a couple of months become my boyfriend – my first – and I became his girlfriend. For the first time in my life I was dating someone I actually liked and who definitely liked me back. For the first time in my life I kissed someone. For the first time in my life, I felt compelled to seek counseling to overcome my barriers that were preventing me from fully exploring this relationship with this amazing guy. For the first time in years the barriers to relationships came 100% down with a definite thud. For the first time in a decade I was open to the idea of sharing my life with someone.

And then on the 9th day of winter, the day before New Year’s Eve, it all came to an abrupt end. After an amazing weekend, two nights into the following week my boyfriend did yoga with me, came to my house for dinner, and then announced that he was feeling standoffish, uncertain about everything, confused and that he was sorry but needed to just go home. I've never heard from him again. Given all the circumstances of our dating and everything else which I will spare you, suffice it to say that what he did was the worst, meanest thing anyone has EVER done to me.

And so I spent New Year’s Eve with Mom and Dad. We went to In-n-Out Burger and then watched The Princess and the Frog. About 10 minutes into the movie, Dad leaned over to me and asked if I was sure that this was ok. Absolutely, because this had a happy ending!! We then had a nice visit with Mand and Curt. We also enjoyed a beautiful New Year's Day evening sledding at the park. At the time, I was feeling quite sorry for myself, but reflecting back on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, I have nothing but happy memories as I felt so clearly Mom and Dad’s love for me. The feeling continues to this day, along with the amazing amount of love that has been shown me by my siblings, extended family, and other friends.

As a consequence of all this, I went into hiding. And for the first time in my adult single life, I was actually feeling not alone, but LONELY. (Big difference.) Not only that, I was no longer writing on the blog, I only sporadically saw my friends, I failed to do my visiting teaching for 2 months, my reading habits were no longer habits, I couldn’t even bring myself to run, my sleep patterns were completely thrown off (still kind of are), which led me to suffer through 5 separate head/chest colds. I WAS still going to the gym, watching TV, and teaching my RS lessons. For a couple of weeks I made a habit of coming home from work, turning off my computer and cell phone, shutting the house up, getting in my PJs, and watching a romantic show or movie. I was fully aware that this was a temporary fix, that I’d really have to deal with this later, but it felt nice to just do nothing.

And then 2 weeks after that horrible night he left, for the first time in my life I actually spoke with a therapist – not just about the things I had originally called about, but also to talk about this latest episode in my dating life. That first session was so critical to the beginning of the healing process that if it had been all I got, I would be forever a better person for it. Happily my therapist has been more than willing to see me again many times since, and so the healing continues.

This was also the season of Disney as I sought much needed refuge with family both in California and Florida. Nothing like a little Disney to cheer you up!

Just when I thought the season was about as eventful – both good and bad – as I could stand, the night after I returned home from Florida I was called to be the Relief Society President of my family ward. Ya, I pretty much fell off my chair when the call was issued. I failed to persuade the Bishop that he was wrong, even mentioning that this future President was in therapy. He just smiled and said something like, “Well, that’s nice. So as far as choosing your counselors,...” I was sustained two weeks later (Mar. 7, 2010) and am now fully into that responsibility. Overwhelmed? YES!! Excited? YES!! God knows me best and knows better than any of us what is best for the ward. I have known that this call was not about me, but about what God wants, as Mom was so great to remind me about this morning. I have an amazing Bishop, the best presidency ever, and so to work I go!

During the past few weeks, we’ve had many Spring snow storms, meaning it snows a lot for a few hours and then melts away on the ground also within a few hours. It was weird but each snowfall brought me such comfort. It was like winter starting afresh all over again. This was such a manic winter where I want to keep certain things in my memory and permanently erase other things from my memory. Having new snow with none of the crazy attached to it but, instead, attaching to it all good nostalgic memories about snow made me feel so good. I thrived on those snowfalls. I loved those quiet walks I took through the neighborhood on perfect white. I felt physically, mentally, and emotionally silent as I enjoyed those fresh snowfalls. It was luxurious.

The last day of winter ended with my 33rd birthday, which was as happy an occasion as it’s ever been, with many loving greetings from family and friends, a successful speaking engagement at a law conference, wonderful dinner with family, great gifts, a movie at Mand and Curt’s, and then a rollicking Sunday dinner with amazing food. And thus, the winter ended.

It has definitely been a season of contrasts – some of the highest highs in my life and some of the lowest lows. And while I have much to be sad and angry about, I have just as much to be grateful and happy about from this past winter because, as the snow has taught me, the pain and all these bad things I’m dealing with will be made as white, as pure, and as beautiful as snow.